Looking Past the Mirror

We can’t help thinking about how we look. We’re reminded every time we pass a mirror of how we look. And just try not looking in the mirror when you walk by. It’s harder than you think.

So the experiment by PhD student Kjerstin Gruys to avoid mirrors for a year struck me as both inspired and demented at the same time. As I understand it, Gruys wanted to see if she could lessen the power of the mirror to determine how she both “sees” and thinks of herself. It seems the willpower required to complete the experiment might boomerang, making one think about how they look even more. But based on her personal accounting of the experiment, things are going well, which got me thinking about my relationship with mirrors.

Unlike some women, I don’t mind mirrors. It stems in large part from something my science teacher explained my freshman year. As I understand it, a flat mirror reflection is not a true reflection of reality. It’s why we have to do everything in reverse. The only way to see what we really look like is to place two mirrors at right angles to each other, forming half a box. Only then, when looking in the corner, does one see her true reflection. So in some respects, I consider my image in the mirror to be a mirage of sort, and it’s rare that I take issue with what I see, because I don’t believe it. Unfortunately I’m not nearly as pragmatic about how I look in photographs.

The All-Seeing Eye

I loathe photos. If I can find a way to avoid having my picture taken, I leap at it. Even though my training and experience has shown that pretty much every photo and image that exists on a wide scale is Photoshopped, I still measure and judge how I look in photos. I can safely say that since my mom stopped requiring the annual school photo, I’ve only had my picture taken officially eight times and half of those instances were because of weddings. There are a few random snapshots, most taken without my knowledge. In general, I’d prefer the camera just break right before taking my picture. Harsh? Without question, but an attitude I find difficult to shake.

While I’m mildly interested by what I see in the mirror (anything sticking in my teeth?), I don’t “see” or think of myself as the person that appears in pictures. Chalk it up to a small case of crazy, but it bothers me that my left eye appears smaller than my right eye in pictures, particularly if I smile. And my smile…well, let’s just say that my parents wasted their money on four years of braces. Unless forced, I do not smile with my teeth because it ends up looking just that, forced and fake.

Like Gruys experiment to avoid mirrors, I resolved a long time ago to avoid pictures since they don’t make me feel particularly good about myself. But I suspect this doesn’t really solve the problem. As long as I believe that I look “bad” in pictures, then there’s a problem. I wish there was a magic potion that made me if not love, at least not hate how I look in photographs. I think many other women probably feel the same way. I don’t need to see myself as a model or a movie star, but I do need to see myself as, well, me. Whatever that means.

All Shapes and Sizes

Our idea of normal varies from place to place. On Monday, I noticed a Facebook post from a friend who mentioned that it had come up in conversation that New Zealand female models are larger as compared to their American counterparts. So American designers have to bring in transplants to do any shows in New Zealand because the samples won’t fit the local models. For all the talk about “your size is the right size,” there is still social pressure that pushes smaller as better.

Beyond size, hair color and length, makeup usage, and even personal grooming habits are up for judgment. We compare ourselves against the frankly ridiculous routines described in People by women who are paid to essentially look a certain way. The same thing goes every time I read about an amazing weight loss after giving birth. Real women rarely have the resources or the time to compete on this level, and yet that’s the baseline against which we judge ourselves and others.

Everything I outlined today isn’t new. In fact, it’s kind of old and boring, but that doesn’t make talking about it honestly any less important. I suspect if men were pushed they’d admit to being tired of not measuring up to Brad Pitt, George Clooney, or any of the werewolves that appeared in the Twilight series. We can’t ignore that physical beauty and its many interpretations are a part of society, but we do need to be realistic about the role we allow it to play in the perception we have of ourselves and others.

Looking Past the Mirror

I hope Gruys’ experiment accomplishes exactly what she wants. She has received criticism (of course), but in response, I was thrilled to see her answer to one critic’s point that “Avoidance is not the same as acceptance:”

Missing the look of my body has made me appreciate it more… a sort of valuing things that are now scarce. Yet, the most important thing that is changing isn’t the amount of hate or love I have for any certain body part: it’s the extent to which my appearance shapes my self-image, overall. By taking some emphasis OFF of how I look, I can focus more clearly on all of the other things that make me, uniquely, me. And this, my friends, has been the most delicious and positive change I could have asked for.

How many of us have taken the time to ask what makes us special without automatically defaulting to our appearance? It’s a reminder for me and I hope for you, too, that what we see in the mirror (or a photo) is just a small slice of the much bigger, and much more important, whole.

Tagged as: mirror, photographs, reflection, self-image